Przełamałam ostatnio wiele swoich bezpiecznych stref, z których nie wychodziłam od tak dawna. Oczywiście mam na myśli sferę jedzenia. Od kilku(nastu?) dni jem o każdej porze dnia i nocy. I nie tylko warzywa. Dlaczego? Bo dwa razy zdaryzło mi się obudzić w środku nocy i mieć napad, kompulsywne, reactive eating.. i to jest straszne. Okropne uczucie braku kontroli i ten piekielny głód.. A potem rygorystyczna głodówka do końca dnia. (która przynosi mi dużo satysfakcji i „siły“, ale wiem, że to złe, złudne) Nie chcę tego. Już wolę zjeść dosłownie kęs lub dwa normalnego jedzenia o tej „zakazanej godzinie“, którą były godziny od szesnastej do czwartej rano dnia następnego. Po co mi takie reguły? Co one mi dały przez te wszystkie lata? To nie ma żadnego znaczenia. Muszę sobie uświadomić, że to wszystko jest w mojej głowie.
(Chociaż nie ukrywam, że na dniach znów chcę wrócić do poprzedniego stylu odż..)
Tęsknię za K. i S.. Tak mi się teraz przypomniały. Może dlatego, że spędzałam z nimi czas wtedy kiedy byłam całkowicie zdrowa.. Jeszcze przed tym całym syfem.
Czuję się tak wewnętrznie rozbita. Tak zagubiona i wciąż niepewna. Dzięki swojemu uporowi i nieśmiało tlącej się woli życia wciąż walczę i się nie poddaję..
Unikam kilku ludzi z dzieciństwa, bo nie mogę pozbyć się flashbacków. Chcę zacząć wszystko na nowo. Gdzies indziej. Póki co to niemożliwe, bo studiuję tutaj.
Podczytuję profile na Instagramie dziewczyn – Amalilee, Healthly_vansi i Fightthepoop. One bardzo pomogły mi. Sprawiły, że wciąż żyję, naprawdę. Ich teksty mają moc sprawczą. Aż mi się wierzyć nie chce..
„A few days ago, I had a dream. Not methaphorically, I literally had a dream. A nightmare. I dreamed that I was 29 years old, and I got the sudden realization that I had wasted my life away. I was lonely, anorexic and depressed. I was where I am now and had been ever since because I never fully embraced recovery. I realized it because I met a previous friend, a friend I in real life lost because I pulled away when I got sick. She was also 29, healthly and of normal weight, and she had travelled the world with her boyfriend. I remember the extreme hopelessness, bitterness and regret I felt. Why couldn’t I have fought harder when I was young and still had the change? Of course you can still recover at age 29, but I had lost my youth to nothing. When I woke up and realized it was a dream, I felt so relieved that I almost cried. Let me put it this way; my breakfast has never tasted better“ – z Instagrama @Amalielee
„So there’s something on my mind again: putting yourself in some sort of comfort zone, doing enough to just survive but not enough to fully take the plunge either – is this what you call recovery? Or even worse call „living again“? Still harming your health by staying a little underweight just to keep your status of being the sick poorl little girl that needs to be worried about, still being the one that always has exuse to not participare in spontaneous actions, still convincing yourself that you only eat quest bars instead of real chocolate because you prefer the taste of healthier stuff? (...) If you don’t take the plunge, accept a normal weight, a normal shape with maybe some belly fat or any other ‚problem zone‘, a proper food intake and stop all the sick routines you still cling yo you’re not giving your best and you won’t achieve the best. If fully recovery is possible we have to fully dive in, put all our effort in the process and push through any struggle – no matter what. Rant end.“ – z Instagrama @Healthly_vansiTaa, „little underweight“. Ponizej pietnastu od ładnych paru dlugich lat. Dlaczego tak bardzo nie mogę zaakceptować normalnej siebie.. Co mi to daje..
Chociaż i tak jest na pewno „lepiej“ niż było jeszcze w lutym czy marcu. Jak ja mogłam jeść tylko wczesne śniadanie, jakieś warzywa i tylko tyle.. przez cały dzień. W domu jest inaczej. Mam wrażenie, że cały czas mnie „ssie“.. ale stop stop. Nie chcę się skupiać tak na jedzeniu. To bardzo drażliwy temat. Cały czas podświadomie chciałabym żeby go nie było. Nie byłoby problemu. Ciągłe myślenie o nim. Analizowanie. Mam tego tak bardzo dość. Chcę żyć inaczej, ale nie wiem, w którą stronę zrobić krok. Dobrze, że chociaż się nie ważę. Ostatnio to robiłam jakoś podczas świąt wielkanocnych. Z tym, że i tak tylko stanęłam na wadze jedną nogą żeby tylko „wykonać rytuał“ – nie wiem ile ważyłam. Obawiam się, że to była moje najniższa waga jaką „osiągnęłam“ podczas chorowania. Tak. Przyznaje się, chyba pierwszy raz, prosto i bezpośrednio. Jestem chora. Te wszystkie chore reguły, jedzenie tylko między czwartą a piątą rano. Potem parę godzin pozniej i to wszystko. Dlaczego? Bo mam wrażenie, że mogłabym jeść non stop i boję sie przytyć. Taka prawda. A tak to „załatwię sprawę rano“ i mam spokój na cały dzień. Co z tego, że wieczorem umieram wręcz z głodu. Nie wiem jak to przerwac. Często wstaję w nocy.. więc jaki to ma sens. Nie wiem. To wszystko jest tak bardzo zakręcone. Tak bardzo zaburzone.. ale wiem, że nie mogę się poddać temu zaburzeniu. Nie chcę zniszczyć sobie życia! I tak żyję z poczuciem straty. Marnowania czasu i życia na bezsensowną egzystencję z ciągłym liczeniem i spalaniem kalorii. Ciągłym oglądaniem siebie, swoich kości i niekości. Stopień ich wystawania i niewystawania. Co za paranoja... Gdzie ja jestem i dokąd zmierzam? Niech to do mnie przemówi w końcu... (wszystko z Instagrama @Healthy_vansi)
„Life is about more than wishing to be worried about. Being ill might be a comfortable exuse to avoid responsibility and growing up – but is it really worth wasting this one and only life you have? Is it really worth losing your friends and isolating yourself from everyone and everything? No. Life might have its struggles, ups and downs. But whether you face it weak and sick or healthly and strong definitely makes a difference. An eating disorder limits your view, you only see the negative things, you’re simply too weak and distracted by food and calories to see the joys of life. Now, if you let go of all that disordered stuff you probably feel lost, like you’ve got nothing left, empty and lonely without that obsession that filled your days and life for so long. But you know what? This phase is necessary. You need to be free from any disordered behaviour in order to find something healthly that gives your life a sense. Friends, hobbies – all these things that matter need time and patience. But you cannot basically expect them to happen and be there at once. You need to fight for them, try them out again and again – just then you’ll might experience that you don’t want to give up these things for your illness anymore, that it’s not worth it. Give yourself time and endure – you surely not alone with this“
„If you feel comfortable with your sick routines you're kidding yourself. In fact, malnourishment and/or underweight confuse your own brain. You feel energized and fit with xx kg underweight? Haha - it's your body desperately trying to survive, to accumulate every little energy resources that are left. But you cannot go on like this. You will die. You are not the unicorn who can stay sickly thin but at the same time manage a successful fulltime job, a family and enjoy food without negative thoughts at the same time. In fact, you probably won't even get the chance to experience such things if you stay sick. Recovery is hard, I know, but in my opinion, a slow overwhelming death is even harder.“
„Recovery doesn’t need to be justified by a low weight or any ‚stage/severeness‘ of eating disorder. You won’t feel ‚ready‘ to face your fears either. The sick part in you won’t get more silent by you waiting for the right moment to start recovery. No, with ‚just xx‘ pounds less you won’t be more ready to change something. In fact, you’ll be even more obsessed and sick, less likely to start recovery. You don’t need to everyone around you tell you how sick you look, that you need to gain, that they are soo worried about you, to be wotyh living, stepping out of the hell you’re creating yourself. Recovery is a thinkg you choose yourself, you need to push through yourself and you’re doing for you yourself – for nobody else. And not for boobs and bum either, but for your health, your happiness and your life. As these things aren’t measured in weight, fitness or calories or by what others do/say, recovery is a process that needs you full attention, all of your strenght. Focus on yourself, do it for yourself and don’t weight for any extern motivation. You yourself should be your motivation!“ – healthly_vansi
„I know that there are many of you struggle with ‚triggering‘ people all around them. I know myself how hard it is to cope wth silly phrases like ‚oh I need to lose xx pounds‘ or ‚man, I’ve skipped breakfast, so proud of myself‘ etc etc etc – I know that these words make so many slip back, feel less worth or even makes them freak out. But in fact, all this shit musntn’t even bother you. Easy said, I know, but think about this scenario: somebody tells you he’s on diet (without any serious purpose, going to mc donalds the evening after) and you decide to do the same because a childish voice in your head tells you that ‚if she’s allowed to do that, I am as well, I need to fit into the healthly society‘. Now, if the ‚somebody‘ skips lunch his body most likely will show him more hunger later on or at least he won’t lose weight due to that one meal as our body’s a clever thing. You instead wouldn’t automatically lose weight due to one skipped meal as well – but there’s another even more dangerous effect: one skipped meal will make your braing want another one, and maybe a bit exercise as well and oh, 5g pasta less, aaand so on and on... A slippery slope, you know it yourself. But the good thing is: you can prevent it. You are able to think, you are able to reflect your actions – if you want to. If you don’t want to slip back you won’t. It often need force but you know the words ‚force yourself to your own luck‘? That’s what recovery about“
„I see people seeking reassurance and asking things like ‚how do you feel doing xy? Considering trying it too‘ (of course only if it makes you feel like super man in person, a fairytale of recovery, no struggles, no pain). Now, the truth is: you won’t find a method like this. Recovery is not always bright, food and eating is not always a total mouth orgasm and the guilt won’t fade away ower night. As well as gaining won’t give you ‚THEM boobs ‘n‘ THAT ass‘. If you truly want to recover, accepting a normal, individual body is your goal. Accepting that you won’t always eat perfectly balanced and after your plan. Accepting that you sometimes feel so guilty that you want to give up. But you know that? That’s okay. It’s okay as long as you don’t give up and push through. Because it gets easier by the time. You may experience that you suddenly care less about the perfect body and focus more on the real joys of life: friends, a true laughter, a passion. And you may experience that the guilt will get smaller. Yesterday I had lunch bt afterwards I was still so hungry that I ended up eating the left overs of mum’s oily pasta bake as well. And I did felt guilty yes, but I decided to endure. I distracted myself and realized that with some distance, this wan’t the end of the world. The human body is clever and has its reasons to show us hunger signals, it’s okay to trust them. So please guys – don’t give up because it’s hard. It HAS to get harder to get easier – and I promise it will“
„Life is already hard – why making it even harder by depriving yourself of energy? I am so sick of being tired and weak and all I want is feeling energized and strong again. Because I want to achieve something in life, I want to use life’s opportunities instead of isolating myself and vegetating in a life threatening disease. But this takes energy – and I am ready to accept weight gain, bloating or some belly fat if I can enjoy things againg, if I’ll get my real personality back.“
„I won’t force myself to hours of exercising ever again as I just don’t want to waste my lifetime like that anymore. I am a bit annoyed by people drowning theirselves in self pity. Put yourself together, stop waiting for the magical da whn you’re going to change or someone will heal you over night. Recovery is hard, weight gain is hard, giving up obsessions is hard. But no one can tell me it’s not possible. If you don’t WANT to change, then you won’t change, be honest to yourself. You can exist with anorexia – but can you LIVE with it, too? Do you want to end up being 60 years old, depressed, lonely, damaged just because your thigh gap satisfies you and gives you the feeling of being worth something? Being in control? Haha, that’s funny. In my opinion being proud of a body that is healthly and energized, strong and that always protect your life no matter what you’ve done to it, making peace with that wonder of nature and having achieved a REAL balance in life – maybe including some extra fat on your thights – is definitely more appealing.“
„Do you really want to be ‚the girl with those skinny legs‘? The person ‚that seems to be able to live a day without food‘? The ‚poor sick one‘? Do you really think this kind of attention is positive? No. It’s either pity, sadness or even anger. People get scared of you, don’t dare to contact you. And you think it’s because you’re not thin/sick/etc.enough. In fact, the only solution would be to finally start getting better, to regaing your glow, your energy, your life. People like others when they are healthly and funny, ready to go out spontaneous, having a great time together. An eating disorder makes this impossible. It steals your energy, your happiness, your motivation to live – you lose your feelings and feel numb.“
„It’s no solution to run away from fears or to avoid them, restricting or relapsing however definitely is a way of doing that. You avoid life – you escape from challenging situations, avoid taking responsibility for mistakes, surpress any kind of negative emotion like sadness or anger. But have you ever considered the other side? You also avoid the positive sides of life – a challenging situation can also lead to pride, mistakes teach you how to do in the next time and make you more human in others eyes, emotions can be positive: love, happiness, pride. You also avoid lovely trips with family and friends. You avoid development and growth (inner – and outterwards) and you deprive yourself of the joys of life. And all this because some skinny legs make others think ‚oh she’s so vulnerable and fragile, don’t critize her in any way‘? It’s not worth it, it’s not worth to pay for that with nothing less than your life.“
„I started restriction as it seemed like the only thing I could ‚improve‘, the only way to show my ‚abilities‘ – I was so wrong. Restriction is neither a sign of control nor wll it ever make you beautiful or even make you feel better about yourself. No matter how many kilos you lose, you’ll never be satisfied because this is just not the problem. You want to solve severe problems by the wrong coping mechanism, the wong ‚solution‘. It might be correct, that an eating disorder gives you safety and hold-apparently. In fact, it destroys you. YOU are destroying yourself for some irrational reasons. Your paying with your life for staying in routines, for avoiding the real adult life, for holding your family together or whatever might be your real reason – not your disordered ‚I just want be skinny and not fat‘ – reason. There is so much more behind that. And as long as you only focus on meal plans, your daily ‚body image‘ and ‚fear foods‘ you’re not going to solve the problem and recover properly. It’s true that proper nutrition and healthly weight make you feel better and less sensitive, but you need to work on the reasons behind all that food and weight coverage, too. But as long as you don’t start, face your fears and take the plunge to real recovery, you’ll never get better but die. There is no magic pill and no one can heal you – YOU had/have the power to destroy yourself. Why not turning things around and put all that energy in recovery?“
„Do you really think losing weight will make you happier when you’re actually not obese or sickly overweight? Do you think flat stomach, a thigh gap or whatever will be the next trend (a bum serving plate?!) will give you true self acceptance when in fact you force yourself in any shape and ideals, surpressing the ‚real you‘? Constantly worrying about calories, weight and food will only make you lonely, depressed and sick in a long time. The 500gr you lost today won’t satisfy you long enough, soon you’ll feel not content again. It’s a vicious circle without light at the end of the tunnel. Why not starting to try something else? Because everything new seems to be scary. Giving up routines is scary. Leaving a maltreated body which you got used to over the time is scary. But it’s the only option to find peace with yourself. No one will force your magically heal you, you need to push and fight yourself through this. But isn’t it motivating to think of waking up without the urge to jump on the scale? To go out with friends instead of denying because there’s the ‚danger‘ to eat something? To be able to found a family, be an idol to other or maybe even a great mother to uplooking children? What do you want to be able to say at the end of your life? I achived a flat stomach but was unhappy and punish myself all my life, wasn’t able to enjoy the goods of life and found myself isolated and alone on a treadmill day by day? Me not. Definitely not.“
„But I knew I had two options now: either slipping up, stepping back again out of fear just to find myself at exact the some point I was for years – OR I could accept it, distract myself, put myself together and bite the lemon but having at least the chance to be happier and healthier some day. – I chose the second option, I choose it every day now. Start to takie responsibility for your own life. You don’t need parents forcing you to eat, calling doctors for you or make sure you provide your body with basic care the every child is able to do. Let’s stop taking our illness as an exuse for literally everything – it’s not worth destroying our health for this. Someday we’ll have to face those responsibilities no matter if we are sickly malnourished or healthy, we cannot flee from it all our lives long. But nourishing your body will make you stronger – mentally and psychically. You ARE able to handle life even if there are always ups and drowns. Give it a chance – nothing is worse than dying because it’s too late to chance if you’d like to..“
„I often get asked how to deal with guil after eating, when ‚ana gets loud‘.. Well, first I want to say that I never used expressions like ‚ana told me..‘ as there simply is no other person who forces you to starve except than yourself. You choose to be healthy or not. You choose to eat or starve. You deprive yourself of life or give it a chance by recovering – I know it sounds harsh, but sometimes I get the feeling that some on here drown themselves in so much self pity I cannot believe it’s actually no fake. It’s okay to struggle but you need to take responsibility of your own life. You cannot stay that sick, little anorexic that needs to get cared of, tha has an exuse for everything because of this illness. At some point people will get annoyed, people turn their backs to you. Don’t let that happen. Choose life over self punishement. And yes, I know this is not easy, in fact it may be the hardest thing you ever did. But it surely won’t be worse than spending your (probably quite short) life staying sick. When I feel guilty and like giving up I always remind myself of this – I admit I often feel like I don’t have any motivation or goal that keeps me going. But in fact you cannot have a goal if you’re stuck in disordered thoughts, they make you blind for everything exept food and calories. You need to let go of it first, probably struggle through a phase of ‚nothing‘ (as your ed was everything you had) until you can find something that gives you more than starving did, something substantial. It takes time, patience, endurance – but we are not alone. We are allowed to seek help we need it.“
„There always will be someone thinner, fitter, sicker. But you need to realize that life is no competition as the battle leads to nothing else than self punishment and depression. It’s okay to be ‚weaker‘ than others. What matters is luck, happiness, contantment – I encourage you to start accepting yourself the way you are naturally, not the deformed and forced you, the REAL you. Yeah, that may means to accept a little belly fat or your naturally frizzy hair. But it also means being able to give people a real smile, a warm hearted hug and eating a cheesy pizza at night time (and I mean seriously, if this last point doesn’t convince you I am done).“
„Laying in bed thinking of my ‚big change tomorrow‘ that actually wasn’t going to happen because I knew procrastrinating things wouldn’t make me recover – no fun, it was horrible. An eating disorder with all its physical and mental effects is terrible. But there is no third person you may call ‚ana‘, no one keeps you from eating and facing fears exept yourself. Chose recovery and endure. It’s a path full of struggles but it will be worth it someday.“ „You cannot lead a proper life with this illness. You may exist, but no live, neither love, neither flourish. And this existance won’t last long as well. Eating disorders are deadly. And not only for those BMIs like –ish or those who purge their soul out of their bodies. You can faint so many patients who died so surprisingly that no one expected this horrendous incident – as blood result have always been fine. Your body hides the damages for so long until it is too late. Start fighting before it’s too late. Before you lay in hospital and need to be reanimated. Before your family cries at your grave. Your eating disorder never will feel sick enough.“
„The only ‚achievement‘ you’ll make is self-destruction, unhappiness, self-hatred. Because you casically cannot run away your whole life lonf. At some point you just need to fae your fears (no, not your ‚fearfood‘ but REAL fears like growing up) and make it through – either malnourished and depressed or energized and healthly, having enough power to cope with the situation and problems. Now.. It’s your choice what you aim for. You cannot expect that at some point you’ll be rescued by the magic cure. The magic cure is basically you yourself. Your willpower, your mental strength. And believe me, there is loads of it. Anyone who had the power to destroy him/herslef as well have power to get out of it as well.“
